the art of ownership

On Friday I finish my third year exams for medical school,
placing me on holidays and starring my final year of medical school down the barrel.
All year long we have worked, studied, practiced, attend clinics and tutorials in preparation
to become doctors and to be examined this week.

For the past six weeks I have placed everything on hold to study, study, study and then study some more. The final OSCE or practical exam is one of the last hurrah or can be horror of the year, depending on how you think about it. After which celebrations of the end of year begin.

But when I finish exams I rarely feel excited as much as I do,
exhausted.

and as I do, I got to thinking about why that might be?

I caught up with a friend  this week in what has been a bit of a tradition of having coffee weekly together. A coffee date that I have kept throughout this exam period. Also one which has provided me with moments (and sometimes hours, when we let time run away from us) of study free joys.
This week we spent some time talking about:


owning things.
or being owned by things.


At this time of year, exam time. I very much feel that my exams own me.

They become the focus of my days 'to do list', they are the topic of my conversation, with study setting the structure for my day. The study for them becomes the thing I procrastinate and run away from in my daily runs on cable beach. It didn't take long this study break before I felt that looming exams owned my actions, behaviours, sleeping and eating patterns. They even stole my mood - just ask my parents about my pre and post exam phone calls. Neither of which were terribly pleasant (both my phone calls, not my parents!)

At the end of exams I dont so much feel like celebrating as I do crawling up into a little ball and crying, or just not moving for a very very long time.
Not because I am upset,
not because I am disapointed exams are ending,
nor am I crippled by fear.


I think I get that feeling because I become empty.


One would think that at the end of exam period I should be full,
right?
Having just studied the entire curriculum and studied my butt off?
Unfortunately,
It just seems to take one last exam to run that tank from full straight to empty

empty:
underslept,
overdrawn,
over spent,
over eaten,
over procrastinated
and my brain feels like mush.
empty.

I think I can put it down to exams owning me, 
so that at the end of the year, when they are finished I feel left undone by all my study or doing.
It is very tiring to be owned by exams.
It is very tiring to be owned by something that can never fulfil or define me


so with one day left I say to to my exams - you don't own me any more


You cannot steal my victory and my excitement about finishing, I will not let you.
I will not finish feeling dried up, empty, exhausted and nerves warn thin.

This year I will finish full...


full of excitement of showing 16 examiners all that I have learnt this year
full of courage, knowing that I can study for another 24 hours - not because I have to, but because I choose to.
full of hope that holidays will be beautiful and relaxing, and that my brain will not drop out all of the information I have worked so hard to place in it, thus aiding me next year
full of the knowledge that I can do all things through He who strengthens me (Phil 4:13)
full of energy
full of peace
full of joy
full of laughter




(and hopefully not too full of shit...)